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The Loving Mother
It was a pleasant Saturday afternoon when about ten of us were having a session at the Sidney park. There were a few others enjoying the public facility on skateboards and rollerblades as well. Some cool shit was going down like big fufanus, new deck tricks on the quarters and lots of plain old fun riding. I was scoping out a 180 onto the rail down the stairs and took a couple of bitch runs at it when I heard this voice from the side of the park say "could you get outta the way so my kids can skateboard?" in a really bitchy tone. I looked over to see a middle aged woman glaring at me and responded with "aye aye cap'n, but you dont have to be a bitch about it."
So I continued to ride the rest of the park for a while, but couldnt get that 180 grind outta my head. I told Matt Beyers what she had said and he was like fuck it just go over there and do it anyways. So I went back to the rail to have another look and he joined me. When I went back to take a run at it I turned around to see the lady standing directly in my path with her arms folded and a big scowl on her face. I asked her "could you please move so I can grind this rail?" but she rebutted "No, fuck you, you have 3/4 of the park to use, you dont need to ride here." I was shocked to say the least and so was Matt. I can't remeber what he said, but she told him he better "go home and get some cream for his face" and I was like "what? are you ten?" She then said "why dont you go and grow another tooth?" WOW. I was ready to lose it. She wanted a war of words, well she was gonna get it. I tried to be the better person and not get in a big kafuffle over the whole thing, but I couldnt handle what she had done up to that point. She had come into the park and tried to take over a section of at least 1/4 of the park so her ten year old kids could skateboard up a little flat bank and cussed at us like a school child and she thought she would get away with it. Well we all flung out a few insults about her appearance and odour and how dirty and whorelike she was. Then I realized she was just going to keep trying to insult us so we started to buzz by her and grind the rail anyway. I guess that worked because she went back to the side of the park where shoulda stayed the whole time. But then once I started looking at the 180 grind again she started yapping it up again. so as she was walking over to throw out some more insults I took a run and hopped 180 onto the rail and as I was sliding down she said some snyde remark. I went back to the quarter after i didnt pull it and waited to try again. I noticed she looked like she was leaving, but then stopped in her tracks and turned around. I said "oh i thought you were leaving" and she said "i guess i upset you eh?" "no i am actually kinda turned on now" she looked a little shocked then she said "yeah youre probably going to go beat off now arent you" and I said "yeah, and blow my load right over your face and yellow teeth, to pretty you up." soon after that her kids had had enough and told her mom to stop and get out of there. score one for the bmxers, and none for the crazy mom. Oh by the way i managed to pull the 180 on and 180 off soon after on the rail. THIS BUSH HAD FRUITY LOVE TO GIVE
While on a trip to the south island the Comax boys joined me for a ride session at the nanaimo bowl to work on tailwhips and other stuff too. By the time we arrived at the park we were burnt out and beat up from riding all day the day before. Beside the park there are some blackberry bushes and instead of taking my bike out of the car i started to eat some. I began to alternate eating the berries and throwing them at Jeff and Ben, and then they started to fight back. Ben wiped some blackberries on Adams grips and the shit hit the fan. Adam was wrestling with Ben and giving him the wedgy of a lifetime, while Jeff got his bike off the rack and began to ride. Meanwhile there were still berries being thrown at the wedgier and the wedgyee by me. i smoked Ben in the face and left a big purple mark, and got some good splatters on Adams shirt. Ben's banana yellow hangloose Hawaii shirt was purple polkadotted by this time and Adams wasnt far behind, although his was originally white. I decided to get my bike out of the car now that i was warmed up and started to ride. as i rode out into the park i looked back to see adam chasing ben down the parking lot with a handfull of berries. Ben tripped and fell into a slide on the gravel and Adam came over top of him. After discovering he was okay, Adam smeared a wad of blackberries over one side of Bens face leaving a dark purple stain.
After a session at the park we decided to hit Mcdonalds, but as we were leaving some fat braud asked Ben if he had just played paintball because he was so splattered.
We got several funny looks from strangers that day, 'we' meaning Ben mostly. ATTACK OF THE DIVING BOARD
On Monday Matt and I had a session out at Kyle Michelle's house and i was riding like crap and ate shit several times. Afterward, we went to the Panorama rec centre to hit up a swim. Matt and I were both acting like idiots as usual and trying gainers off the diving board. we were both flaling out like madmen. anyway as the story goes, there were several other kids doing stuff off the diving board too. most of them from the age of 9-13.
so this girl aproximately 11-12 years old gets up on the diving board, and she hesitates but eventually dives off really sketchy. me and matt looked like idiots by the way cause we were the only post pubescent ones using the diving board. anyway the next time this girl is on the diving board she turned around at the end of the board and looked at the other faces in the lineup. when she looked matt in the eyes, he said "do a backflip." and then he added, a little quieter, "but dont hit your head." she had this wide eyed frightened look about her face. she hesistated for a moment and then began to prep herself.
she bounced once, then on the next bounce, she hucked herself backwards, flinging her feet above her head. as she came down she landed headfirst back on the diving board and crumpled into a ball. then she rolled off the diving board and into the water. she then swam to the edge, as the lifeguard dove in after her, and as she was getting out she said "what the hell happened?"
this was the funniest thing i have seen in a long time. i couldnt stop laughing. now i sound like a fucking sick bastard i know, but if you were there you woulda been busting a gut too. i couldnt even jump off the diving board i was laughing so hard; and when i tried to swim i damned near drowned. the girl was fine and all so it was alright.
the combination of her facial expression before she jumped, the thump as she hit the diving board, the crumpling into a ball, the roll off into the water,and matts words of wisdom before hand made it soo funny, it was unbelievable.
anyway, we laughed and laughed about it until we made it home. oh and by the way, i was successful in busting some gainers, and matt wasnt cause he jacked his shoulder. swimming is extreme. BIG INDIAN "BOARD?"
Once upon a time, not so long ago, matt "da bears" beyers and i arrived at the duncan skatepark for a quick session. the sun was shining and the skatepark was empty except for a few skaters and this big indian fella. we walked our bikes up the dirt hill to the top of the quarter pipe and were ready to ride when the aboriginal chap came near. he was staring at our bikes for a second and matt looked at him and said "word" because hes like 1/10000 black or something, and the indian dude said "BOARD?" in a thick native accent. it was pretty funny. so now instead of saying "word" we say "board." also later that ride, the indian guy was riding around in the bowl like a velodrome non-stop for like two minutes at full speed. finally he got out and dared matt to give it a try. matt was like "no, thats alright." and the indian cuz said "whats the matter? scared?" and then dropped back in the bowl for another mad session of veldrome action. good times. HOMOSEXUAL ENCOUNTERS LEAVE US WITH A SORE ASS...
...EXPERIENCE
So there we are, minding our business riding the whiterock skatepark, when this skater, who really was lacking in the skills department anyway, comes up and spazzes at us for not being as gay as him or something, i wasnt really listening. But we all decided to let it go, because we are all so mellow and chillin and cool guys, but then this pimp named skip dawg goes into the bowl and nearly loses his head from faggetface's skateboard flying by. Well we all had some words. still no violence because we are all so mellow and chillin and cool guys. so we are sitting up in the corner chit chatting aboot the lovely air and gorgeous sunshine, when shitforbrains wangeater decides he's horny as ever and confronts me to my face and tipped my hat for me. i said "listen here fella, i've told you four times already, if youre trying to find a way to my heart, your going aboot it the wrong way." well he said something aboot owning the skatepark and the admittance fee being a stiff cock in the ass, so we thought we should either a) beat the piss out of this guy for being such a flaming homosexaul b)succumb to his ass ramming come ons or c)just head off to the next skatepark because we are all so mellow and chillin and cool guys. we chose c because we are all so mellow and chillin and cool guys. as tempting as a and b were we elected to make this guy feel like a man by scaring us away. let this be a lesson to all of you out there, homosexuality is wrong. beating this guy up wouldve been very satisfying but he may have pulled out a big dildo and started fighting back because he was of the dirty street punk breed. so all and all we made it oot of there with our anal virginity, so i look at it as a positive thing.
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Matt and his high performance skil saw ass. 
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